Empathy. It was something taught to me from a very young age—so young, in fact, that I didn’t fully understand it nor was shown the boundaries that should accompany it.
Today, I’m writing to share my real and raw experiences, thoughts, and mental battles with empathy. As a disclaimer, this may not resonate with everyone; it may not even make sense to some, simply because this is my story. But within my story, there are valuable lessons, and I’m here to share those with you.
From a young age, I was taught empathy: how to be kind to others, consider their feelings, understand the impact of my words and actions, recognize emotional distress, and feel their pain. I learned to show respect to anyone in distress and to offer a helping hand. All of these lessons carried over into my adolescence and adult life. However, while I was taught empathy, I was never taught that empathy also requires boundaries. These boundaries are essential for protecting oneself emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
Since these boundaries were never shown to me, I found myself on the extreme end of the empathetic spectrum. Even small things that happened to others would make me angry on their behalf, make me cry for them, and make me feel as though I needed to carry their load. I hoped that by carrying it too—even though it wasn’t mine—it would somehow be lighter for them.
Let me tell you now: no matter how much you feel for someone, the load is never lighter. The burden remains the same. No matter how much emotional baggage I thought I was carrying for them, it didn’t change their situation, their environment, or the fact that only they could alleviate their stresses. What did change, however, was the increase in my own stress levels.
At this point, I began experiencing something called Empathy Overload.
Compassion fatigue, or empathy burnout, is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion that occurs when someone provides excessive emotional support to others. I carried so much for everyone—even people I didn’t know personally—that I burned myself out. This catapulted me to the opposite side of the empathy spectrum, though thankfully, only temporarily.
I began to distance myself from those I once empathized with, shutting people out entirely and even feeling a touch of resentment. My thoughts shifted to how no one showed empathy toward me, and I withdrew, even developing mild depression. Gradually, I realized this was my body’s way of urging me to step back and prioritize my well-being.
This self-awareness came from a strong dislike of who I was becoming. My mind began generating negative generalizations about people, a mindset I didn’t want to adopt.
So, I started reading more about boundaries. Could I continue to be empathetic while also setting boundaries? Thankfully, yes, I could.
Today, I’m sharing some rules I've learned to balance empathy with personal boundaries, allowing me to support others without depleting my energy.
Understanding someone’s pain doesn’t require you to carry it.
I used to absorb others' pain, creating burdens I didn't need. Now, I realize that just being there can be enough.
Just because you understand someone’s actions, does not mean it excuses their behavior.
This one took me a long time to put into place. There was a lot of guilt associated with this boundary as my thoughts went back and forth between full compassion and the risk of disappointment. Before becoming emotionally overwhelmed, we all are given a split second to choose our actions. We have full control of our actions, and our emotions, while they may be currently overwhelming, can be healed with time. But the consequences of our actions, while we may have an idea of what they may be depending on how we act in a situation, are completely out of our control. The results of our actions could potentially lead to an impact too big for us to take back.
Recognizing your own triggers helps prevent misplaced empathy
Past trauma and habits can blur empathy boundaries. Recognizing my own triggers has prevented unnecessary emotional exhaustion.
Emotional Resilience includes recognizing when enough is enough.
I've had to learn to recognize when to protect my energy and step away from situations that no longer served me. This practice was met with a great deal of compassion and guilt. It was only when I understood that while empathy and patience are valuable, there are limits to what we should endure, did this started to become easier over time. It involved setting boundaries, acknowledging my needs, and respecting my own well-being. Recognizing “enough” isn’t giving up—it’s valuing your peace, health, and happiness in the face of challenges that may otherwise drain you.
Learning To Validate Emotions Without Justifying Actions.
They were separating feelings from responses that required practice. Emotions are valid, but they don’t have to dictate reactions. It’s taught me about balance and accountability.
Forgiveness is not an open door back into my life.
While forgiveness used to mean something different to me in the past, today, forgiveness doesn’t mean granting someone an open invitation back into my life. It’s a personal process that lets me release the hold of past hurt or betrayal without having to re-establish trust or re-allow their influence. Some people might say this is too harsh but there is flexibility that I utilize with my form of forgiveness that's subjective to each situation. This is a way for me to find peace, not to erase boundaries or revisit past wounds. It’s about freeing myself from resentment while preserving the right to protect my own well-being and decide who truly deserves a place in my life.
What I’ve learned through the years is that empathy without boundaries is a recipe for self-destructive disaster. You can easily lose yourself in the emotional damage of other people’s pain and stresses and not realize why. Practicing self-awareness and learning how to set healthy boundaries not only helps protect myself but allows me to continue showing empathy on my terms.
Remember, you don’t owe anyone, anything. When you really understand this, your ability to control the balance of your empathy will only grow.